Welcome to my life...

Too ex to fail

2012-01-27T08:31:00.001+08:00

I have to pass no matter what... But with this kind of attitude im having, this confidence, the feeling tat i noe i can drive.. I cant fail sia! I cant afford to fail! Kamisama! Onegaisimasu!!

Driving

2012-01-21T09:26:00.001+08:00

Driving suddenly became hard... Today, i really feel like crying when i got scolding.. I suck today.. I suck alot.. Im a suckie suckie driver today..

My test is on fri.. Dunnoe if can pass or not.. Sigh...

Untitled

2012-01-02T20:01:00.001+08:00

U noe bloggie, alot of things happen in my life for the past few months. Why din i blog abt it? Cuz i dun wish to remember it. Will time make me forget? I dunnoe.

But this i have to keep track.

My knee hurts. Really hurts. The pain change every now and then. Last time it hurts when im getting up from squatting down and at times when i climb the stairs and when im lying on my stomach n i suddenly shift my leg. That short sharp pain as if ure being punch.

But now, it no longer hurt that much when im getting up from a squat. It does hurt when i walk on my knee on my bed. I does hurt when i sit down for very long. It hurts sometimes when i straighten my leg n when i sit crossed leg.

I dunnoe wats wrong n im scared to find out...

Lesson in the rain

2011-11-12T16:41:00.001+08:00

I think if i take m'sian driving test i can pass. Wahahaha!! My driving condition today was excellent! Full of stunts! Wakakaka!

The instructor scold me alot today. But i notice something. I can guage my car already. Turn enough or not, slightly more or slightly less. But i still cant guage the stopping part. I am confident abt driving but im not abt judging whether to stop or go. My judgement us slow. Gotta work on that..

My driving instructor

2011-11-04T21:12:00.001+08:00

I ask Mr. Kan if i can pass by december or not. He said "u must show skill n not stunt".

Wahahaha!!

I picked up too many shortcuts i guess..

Hwaiting!!

Zee's Wedding

2011-10-22T19:02:00.001+08:00

I tried so hard not to about this cuz i really wish to forget it. I really wanna throw away this emotion of mine n let it go n forget it in time to come. But no... Its really bugging me!

1. Im angry cuz rena wanna go out today after the ceremony. Come on la.. Its saturday. This aint your first time going to a wedding. U noe that saturday pple usually leave very late. What is wrong with u.
2. Shes not going out on 1 day but BOTH days! Wah.. Really sak.. Kalau kuar on the sunday still ok tau since sunday nye reception, lepas tu da tutop majlis.. Wat is wrong with her?!
3. I let it go la that she wanna go out on both days. Its her life kan, not mine sp watever la eh. Then just now she's so eager to leave cuz she's afraid she might be late.

When we wanna leave zee ask why. It made me so sad hearing her say that... I dunnoe anymore. Im just so dissappointed in rena again.. N cuz its zee's wedding n i dun wanna ruin the mood so i let it be... T.T

Rain?

2011-10-18T18:54:00.001+08:00

Dearest ain,
U are sad today. For alot of reasons. Honestly, u dunnoe whether its cuz rena doesnt seem to feel sad or the fact that u feel lonely. Well lets take it as ure lonely. People ard u evolve while u just stood still. They are falling in love, getting married, having a baby, etc. Everyone but u... Everyone but u... Soon ure gonna be alone again... Everyone will go away leaving u behind and it makes u so sad that u tears started falling non stop... U are just so sad now n u hav no one to share this sadness with... Y? Cuz zee is getting married so shes bz preparing n rena is in love hence she doesnt feel sad at all!!

Rain is making you emotional today...

Troubled

2011-10-04T17:11:00.001+08:00

Dearest blog,
I am troubled. I tot i no longer have to go through this. I tot i no longer need to think about this. But no... It came back haunting me... For i am extremely troubled now... Wanna dig a hole n hide... I wanna erase my memory... I refuse to go through it... For i am troubled... Very troubled... Sigh...

Lol!!

2011-09-17T10:16:00.001+08:00

N she took the wrong train... -.-

Memories of driving

2011-09-17T10:13:00.001+08:00

Date: 17 September 2011
Ain's first driving lesson.
Driver was like a father figure.
Tho he has issues with his speech. Indeed he is good..

Feelings? Scarey but fun like playing in an arcade. Need to practice on arcade.. Next lesson 1st October. Looking forward to it..

A moment to remember

2011-09-08T14:24:00.001+08:00

Date: 8 September 2011
Time: 2:00 pm
Event: Me first PDL

Hopefully i will get a license in 5 mths... Insyallah... :)

Worried

2011-08-21T13:18:00.001+08:00

Am i gonna lose my hair? Sigh... Does this mean the end of curling? Sigh...

One last time n thats it ba...
Onegaisimasu~

A friend of a timer

2011-08-12T17:17:00.001+08:00

Im a friend of a timer. Timer; one who cheat on her boyfren. Wat makes it worse is tat the "mistress" is also cheating on his partner.

Why am i her fren? I dun wanna be... Why? It hurts to have such a friend. It makes my stomach quiver just to listen to her. Its full of crap. What is becoming of this world.

Dear god, please help my fren. In the month of ramadhan i wish for u to show my fren what is right n what is wrong. She shouldnt be unfaithful. I despise that. Please help her... For i can only advice they say.. I really feel like telling her bf abt this. Crappiness of it all i really cannot stand it...

I cant catch

2011-08-04T15:53:00.001+08:00

Im not sure how this relationship or urs would turn out. Really i dunnoe... U seem so happy all the time. U tell me stories abt him over n over. Its quite irritating but ure happy so im fine with it.

I once told u that u seem too happy. Im very very afraid of this. Its like ure on cloud 9. But u told me u havent reach there yet but i think u've gone even higher than that. Im so scared for u.

I cant catch u should you fall this time round. I might not be able to catch u... I dunnoe if u will ever recover from this. Sigh... For all i noe, i might be the one ended up falling down...

Shouldnt have said it

2011-07-12T21:59:00.001+08:00

Well, i wouldnt say im totally relieved. Was glad that i told wat she has done while she was with faz. The hurt i felt.

But shouldnt have pointed out with this new one.. Sigh.. Sensitive ke aku nie? Hmm.. Something to ponder about. But then i remembered zee mention once thar i shouldnt b sensitive when someone forgets your bdae... Hmm...

Arhh the stress

2011-07-12T14:39:00.001+08:00

My heart keeps on feeling pain. Like hurtful pain. Why do i feel like on zee's wedding day won't be a good day for me? Why am i already feeling hurt for the day than had yet to come?

Oh dear... Feeling scared for that day already

They are mean

2011-05-23T15:03:00.001+08:00

Juz cuz they are attached they wanna go everywhere with them n not considering my feelings at all!!! They are so mean. I really feel like crying. My heart is shattering. They are mean!!!

Because she's happy

2011-05-22T22:21:00.001+08:00

Because of that i have no right to interfere. For it it none of my concern. I should carry the attitude "for as long as she is happy im happy".

Im afraid thats hard to do nia..

The day before i turn 24

2011-05-16T21:45:00.001+08:00

I went giant pat pioneer mall den le aku nk balek i saw a guy with blood on his tshirt. His cheek was sliced open. Not just a cut. U can see the inner meat. He seem to be in a daze and was walking towards me. Then his fren came and pull him away. Then at the pavement nearby there was a grp of pple. I think maybe the fight started there. Then 2 girls from there started fighting with each other. I was very scared. I cant get the image of that guy out of my mind.

Ya, an experience but not a nice one. I keep thinking which one was with the knife and scared that he might be in a crazy mode n will slice anyone he sees. So i was walking so fast trying to get out of there, afraid i might pass by that slicer and get sliced.

Such imagination.

Emotional

2011-05-14T18:13:00.001+08:00

I dunnoe why but i cried. I cried for being blamed. What is wrong with me. What is wrong. Why do i cry over such a small thing. The fact that my family have to watch croocked tv for two days. What is wrong with me. I have no clue.

Strategy

2011-05-07T21:25:00.001+08:00

Watch n learn ain. Watch and learn.

Step 1: welcome
Step 2: salutation
Step 3: hang ard them
Step 4: sing praises
Step 5: never stop praising

Thats all i have for now.

Its only how i think

2011-05-07T09:56:00.001+08:00

Adek was right. Not everyone has the same definition of friendship like me.

Deal with it ain. Deal with it.

Was i wrong?

2011-05-03T17:53:00.001+08:00

Was i wrong to defend?
U invited the person.
Arent u suppose to be with the person till the end?
Like watching a movie.
U ask the person out for a movie.
Would it be right to leave the person halfway?

If in the first place if u ade intention to go elsewhere with some other pple, why bother inviting ur fren in the first place? I dun get but i may be out of line here.

That barrier huh. The limit to what i can say. Should've shut my mouth n stop my fingers.

Anugerah

2011-05-03T15:54:00.001+08:00

Dearest blog, i confide in you whenever i feel sad. For that i am sorry. Since ure an electronic device that can response, i'll presume u dun mind. :)

Well to type out wat im feeling right now is really pathetic. Lets just hope that one day when i read u again i will go like "was my life really pathetic back then?"

Sigh

2011-04-25T23:43:00.001+08:00

Here i am happily watching my fair lady when u decide to pop in on me and tell me u n ur couple met another couple. Tho u wanna share ur happiness but it seems like u are rubbing in my face. Sigh..

Angry

2011-04-21T18:31:00.001+08:00

Nyein has successfully add oil to my fire. Wah.. I've never been so so mad like this. I really wished she din jump to conclusion so easily. Sigh..

Must remember she's old..

The kid who doesnt know

2011-04-14T14:00:00.001+08:00

Seems like cuz im the youngest, i will always be treated as someone who doesnt know. My words have no value. Makes me sad sometimes. Sigh...

I dunnoe u anymore

2011-03-18T16:46:00.001+08:00

Aku tak tau la.. But she is no longer who she is ever since that day when she ditch us. What happen to her. What happen to us. I no longer knew. It always feels like im talking to a plastic face. All fakes. I dunnoe her anymore. I cant fix this. I dun think i can. For she is someone i no longer knew. What am i gonna say... Am i the one at fault here? For i no longer knew. You are nothing already. Ive lost u. And i can retrieve it back. For i am now very sad.

Favours

2011-03-13T17:34:00.001+08:00

I really hate asking favours... Esp when di luar kawasan kerje.. Im so angry... Once beaten twice shy.. Unfortunately, i have no choice at all... Fuck lor! Sigh...

I dunnoe anymore

2011-03-09T09:59:00.001+08:00

As you grow, as time pass, i really need to understand. They will no longer be close with me for they have their own life to lead. For i have to understand this and i have to learn to be alone from now on.

Alone...

Childish

2011-03-08T12:06:00.001+08:00

I juz realise that mala is childish... Age do not measure a person's maturity i guess..

Mengalah

2011-03-01T10:20:00.001+08:00

It always ended up with me giving in...

One should have sincerity when doing something...

I should work on that...

Double sadness

2011-02-22T23:43:00.001+08:00

I cant believe this... Once again rena cant think the moment shes being threatened of breakup. Fuck la!

I juz found out i have no increment. I feel like an ant being crushed like she was nothing. No, im not gonna sit back. I have the capability to do more than im asked for. I believe in myself that i have more to offer.

As sad n disappointed i may be, life has to move on. I refused to be crushed like a bug!

I only care about my feelings

2011-01-17T13:26:00.001+08:00

I see. Once again i was being pointed out that im selfish. That i only care about my feelings. I dun understand anymore. I dun get it no more.

I guess i have to convert back. I can no longer stand out. To blend into society, i have to join the crowd. Sigh... Step by step i shall change back...

I dunnoe how to do so.

Never understand

2011-01-17T01:05:00.001+08:00

I dun understand and there might be a chance i never understand. From where i stand i believe words and actions are two different things altogether.

The power of love conquer everything else. Because of love u fail to see things clearly. Because of love u cant determine anything. For u only care abt love and thats all that matters to u.

For i am sad. Here i stood without a care in the world what people say about u. Here where i remained without betraying u. Yet i was left behind. U left me with all the care in the world. U left me with nothibg but absence.

U have yet to leave me but u soon will. In the end im always left standing on that lonely path....

Dearest blog, i cant describe this feeling. The feeling of being ripped apart. This feeling like i have no one else. No one will be there for me soon. For i am depressed. Tears fell as i type this to u. Everyone is leaving me. What hurts most is when ur frens dun seem to notice. For i am sad. I am very sad and i concealed it with numerous things and yet i can never forget what faezah said to me. I dun get it. I joke with my frens. I never recall fighting with them at all till recently. Then why is it all turn back to be my fault? What have i done to be at fault? I dunnoe, i really dunnoe...

Am i the selfish one? I dunnoe how to change back.. Taskete...

Just my luck

2011-01-14T02:24:00.001+08:00

I never believe all the misfortunes that happen to u, u should blame it on luck.

"just my luck to fail"
U din study hard hence u fail not cuz of luck.

"takde jodoh, nk buat ape.."
Dun crap! U have no jodoh was cuz of the disputes u have in this r'ship.

"juz my luck to hav such bf"
U chose ur bf. Since u dun like him den break up la.

Nevertheless i do believe manusia hanye mampu merancang but tuhan yg menentukan segalenye. But should things dun go ur way, u should not blame god. Partly it is your fault to begin with. I dun like it when pple blame god for all the mishaps that they get.. Ish..

Sad

2011-01-11T15:48:00.001+08:00

It seems like everything is my fault... My insensitiveness towards other is the cause of all the fights. I should just disappear then...

Dear god, for i am sad. Its my fault for being me. Im so sorry. It pays a big price for choosing to be me. Im never be able to move now. This loyal fren whom as loyal as a dog is not worth much. Her loyalness brings nothing but suffer to others. Her heartfelt for others has no value to others for that i am sorry...

My frens means alot to me. But i might make them feel pain. Lonliness should be my only fren...

A gift that has to be returned

2011-01-06T00:42:00.001+08:00

Kamisama grant me my bdae wish. I wanted her back and he gave that to me. But only to take it back. Shes getting married. She returned only to go back again. My sadness is beyond redemption. For i am sad hence no word can describe my feelings. Nevertheless i am greatful to god for granting me my wish. Syukur kepada ilahi kerana doaku termakbul. This proves that god does listen do whatever i grumble, wish, complain, etc. Thank you...

If only she wont go back...

Love

2010-12-16T17:31:00.001+08:00

Dear blog,
Love is a complicated thing. One which i find it hard to understand. Crap.

Plan

2010-12-06T22:01:00.001+08:00

I need a plan. I dun have much time left. While everyone knows what they want to do in life, i lack that. As usual, i go on crapping about this stuff and how i need to figure it out. But the problem with me is that i dont know what i want and i am that afraid to take that step. One step forward, two steps back..

I dun have much time left. Im turning 25 very soon. I made a swear....

Analysing pple

2010-11-06T00:08:00.001+08:00

Wat makes me thing im good at it? I have no idea.. Perhaps cuz of my imagination.. Here i am sitting here i the trai. Analysing everbody i see when i juz look at time and suddenly realised that the last bus home is at 12.30.. Lmao!

Should i not get home in time, i might have to take the cab again. The first timw in my life i have a chance in missing my bus.. All cuz i took the wrong train. Lol!

Queenstown mrt = 25 mins to reach home = no hope...

Feel far ka...

2010-11-03T08:41:00.001+08:00

Feel far ka... Im broke, seriously broke. I have no clue what i did with my money but i am broke.

Its hard for me to meet rena these days cuz i cant stand looking at her.. It reminds me of her bf n wat he has done n she still want to stay with him.

I dunnoe la.. Padahal takde kene mengene ngan aku n yet im badly affected. It makes me sick to see her all happy when in truth she is suffering.. Sigh..,

Fucking pissed!!

2010-10-31T12:44:00.001+08:00

Fuck la.. What is wrong sia!! Have pple forgot about manners!!! Fuck la!! Omg! Im so freaking pissed..

Wat? Cuz its raining tats why u wear my slippers?! My slippers cost more than ur shoe la!!! Wah lao eh!!! Marah siol!!! Marah!! Marah!!! Marah!!!

And now i have to go out with theses burmeae slippers. I have nothibg against it but the beada are half torn n half there. It looked so weired la! Why cant she wear this slippers instead!!! Im so so so angry!!!!!

U cried

2010-10-27T00:02:00.001+08:00

U said every time u thought of me u cried. N yet no decision is made. Sigh...

Im jammed out

2010-10-26T17:23:00.001+08:00

My body just stop. My brain stop. Cant work. Lost focus. Smthg is wrong. Very wrong.

Killing me softly

2010-10-24T15:36:00.001+08:00

I wonder if she knew... Here i am, supporting her silently. Worried, wishing her all the best in everything that she do.. N yet, she dun seem to notice when she forgot me. Making a promise, keeping my hopes up only to destroy it...

I wanna dissapear for a while...

Love is larger than life

2010-10-21T23:43:00.001+08:00

Now that i realise it. One find it hard to love cuz love is larger than life. Humans are greedy n selfish by nature. It really takes alot for them to suddenly do things out of their comfort zone like changing, sacrificing, tolerating, etc. Its really hard to do things just for the sake of love. But pple tends to take advantage of that cuz of their selfishness. Like threat. With that one word to breakup, the other party will do watever it takes not to let it happen. Why? Cuz of their selfishness too. They juz got used to the change n when the change is abt to change again, they r not prepared for it hence the panic followed by the willingness to do anything...

It all comes down to greed n selfishness. For me to be able to deduce this right before bed is magnificent.

Fuck u!

2010-10-20T16:55:00.001+08:00

I feel like baptizing noelle. Got an sms from shit. Wats her fucking motif. Sarpat sa!!!

Its a hard job

2010-10-06T12:00:00.001+08:00

I've never been so tired. More like i din noe it will be this tiring to but on such a face. 3 weeks to go. Aza aza!!

Jealousy

2010-10-05T23:59:00.001+08:00

Nyein said it was jealousy. Jealous? Of me? Why??? Cuz i was treated nice? Is tat it?

Nyein also mentioned she was disgusted by this kind of pple. Woah... Disgusted ay.. Im surprised...

Lies

2010-10-05T00:38:00.001+08:00

Great! 4th post! -.-"

Hidup dalam kepura-puraan. Why do all that. I dun think i can. Theres a limit to being a hypocrite isnt it? Its juz confusing. I dun think relationship should base on a pack of lies. Sigh... I juz dun get it.

Sigh~

2010-10-04T16:26:00.001+08:00

Here i am sitting by the office staircase waiting for the talk to be over. Frankly, i dun wish to hear at all n i dun think its nice to eavesdrop hence im here waiting. How long doe it takea anyway? 10 mins? Well, i'll wait for another 5 before going up. I have tons to do n im not sure if i can complete in time..

Shock? Angry? Pissed? Disappointed?

2010-10-04T10:41:00.001+08:00

I have no fucking clue how to describe my feelings right now.

I juz found a whole bunch of shreded docs in the schredder. I was gonna empty it when i saw the most unthinkable thing! Pictures were sherded. Whose picture? Ours! The pictures that we took in the company, all shreded! Wat the fuck right?! Seriously, its like she wants no link anymore with the company. What the fuck is wrong with her. Wat makes it worse she even shred the handover book! What is fucking wrong with her?! What the fuck la!!! What what what!!!! I am so so so so fucking confuse la! Heck, by all my typings, i am fucking angry la!!!! Fuck la! I am fucking pisses tat no matter how much i swear it doesnt make it any better. Ish!!!!! If only i din open that fucking shredder!

I believe in karma. I believe in karma. Still doesnt change the fucking fact that im fucking pissed right now!!!!!!!

I figured it out

2010-10-02T15:18:00.001+08:00

I came to a conclusion that above all pple, i am the best loner of all time. I hate mixing ard with crowds. Of course pple find me chatty. Thats only cuz its natural to talk when u have someone next to you. Wont it be awkward not to talk at all while u have a person u knew beside u?

Gathering, going to pple hses well, mostly relatives actually is not my favourite at all. This is so weired of me. Im such a loner. Now i get it. Damn.

Mandarin

2010-09-28T22:55:00.001+08:00

I think i really like mandarin. Daiski! Im filled with joy when i talk the other day. Kimouchi ne~ but the courses are very expensive des! Dousta no? Must find time to go n research... Aza aza hwaiting!

Feeling even down

2010-09-26T10:32:00.001+08:00

Sudden thought came about that i wish to disappear. Sigh~

Losing my mind n my credibility. Something is about to happen n im not sure if im ready to face it. My fate is sealed n theres no where to run. More like i shouldnt run n face it like a warrior. Tho i am nthg but a coward. N only anger will make me move. I now understand why im so angry all the time. Hell.

Lonely

2010-09-24T21:50:00.001+08:00

I feel extremely lonely today... So so lonely.. I began to look back that im such a loner actually. Life is so sad.

I may know lots of pple, but these pple are nore like aquaintaces in my life. Like a passerby. I left my friends when i got to sec sch. I left my sec sch frens when i got to poly. Nevertheless my bestfriends remain. I left my poly frens when i went to work.

But then again, i turn a 360 degree change. Wanting pple to know my existance. Now that im no longer in the same sch, i doubt they remember me. Im juz a passerby in their life. As usual, back to square one. Th quiet kid who have no guts to talk to others and hence she have very little frens.

Lonely lonely me..........

What should i do?

2010-09-21T23:17:00.001+08:00

I have no freaking idea what to do la. What to do? Im getting older by day n i need to do smthg productive! My life will rot once again if i dun do smthg. But what? What exactly do i want in life? What the fuck do i wanna do? I have no fucking clue. At the age of 23 n im still wondering. Damn.

Journey of the drain

2010-08-25T08:55:00.001+08:00

I almost step on a dead rat la!!!!!! Si bei gross la!!! Eeeeeeeeewwwe!!!! Bad way to start the day lor!!!

I really wish i didn't see

2010-08-22T01:10:00.001+08:00

I really wish i didn't see, I really wish i didn't see, I really wish i didn't see!!!!!!

My life is full of ups n down n yet shes happy. I feel so sad now... So so so sad....

Apparantly i was wrong

2010-08-15T02:37:00.001+08:00

Ok, so apparantly i was wrong. He sms me on his own... Aww.. So sweet of him.. im touched. But the first time he did it cuz of Zee. Zee ak him to ask me whether im okay or not.

I suddenly realised

2010-08-12T23:52:00.001+08:00

Why the heck does rico sms me every time pple think something is wrong? Who put him up to it? N y does he do it? Look, as much as i like getting smses from him, i dun appreciate the fact that pple use him to ask me. As if i would open up if he were to ask instead. Im so gonna find tat culprit. I like the attention no doubt but not like this!

What to do...

2010-08-03T18:42:00.001+08:00

What am i supposed to do... Rico makin hari makin cakep deh... Aduh... Get this feeling out!

Dissapointment

2010-07-25T12:24:00.001+08:00

I shouldnt have gone home... I should have just stay at bibiks hse.

Mum is upset cuz i still wish to quit school. I dun have much argument u noe. Its just smthg i have to do. So wat if i dun have a degree? Wat is she upset abt? The fact that she cant brag abt me or the fact that i hav to quit school cuz of her? But im not quitting cuz of that. Ya la thats part of the reason but not mostly cuz of it. Im scared alright. Now i noe tat uni is not a joke. U cant juz study last minute n hope to pass. Its more than that. Time that i cant afford to give....

Sigh

2010-07-23T00:15:00.001+08:00

The only way for me to express myseld is through u my dear blog... No one around for me...

I feel like a really2 evil person... Saying all these ugly stuff... I dunnoe how much longer i can deal with it... I dun wan yo create fiction so i let go... But i keep on losing my value like i dun worth anything... Losing my mind...

Must get use to it

2010-07-22T15:41:00.001+08:00

I have to get use to it cuz its beyond redemption. I cant do anything anymore. Im so so sad tat i cried myself to sleep...

"Oh... Org tak tegur kau cuz kau kan AM nyr anak sedare".

"Aku pakai name kau so dorang tak marah cuz kau anak sedare kak shida".

"Oh, so dorang antar kau mentang2 ain anak sedare kak shida!"

"People treat you nice cuz kau ngan kak shida kan related".

Haunted by all these... I have no more value in here... As good as dead... Yup, dead alright...

I dun get it

2010-07-21T23:31:00.001+08:00

Is it just me or wat? If only she knew... It always seems like im intruding but shes the one who starts the conversation. Its so weired.

Is it juz me or is she more concern abt her problems rather than mine? Haiyo... For example, when we were talking abt bdae gift, she wants to treat me at courasel n i dun even want tat. I did tell her n she said she has always wanted to try the food there. Well hello?! My bdae present, i said i din want to go n u still insist? See the link? My bdae but i get ur dream...

Perhaps im sensitive... I dunnoe... Losing my mind on alot of stuff... Everything is wrong... I need a time machine...

Dealing with pple

2010-07-21T01:26:00.001+08:00

Well, its starting again... I dun think i have the capability to handle pple. Their thoughts, their reactions. Its juz hard.. Really hard. If i were to come across u once in my life, i couldnt care less. All i had to do is take in everything u throw at me. But if i were to c u day by day n not understand u at all or vise versa, its really hard for me to survive.

Cuz of all this that go through in my mind over n over again, i dun feel like going to work anymore. I feel like a brat n i seriously dun wan to be... Sigh~ humans are complicated being...

Dissapointed

2010-07-06T11:10:00.001+08:00

Im really dissapointed in rena. What is wrong with her?! The moment she gets threatened she feels so pressured. What la. Boyfriend and not husband what!

She has looks n all what the heck is she afraid of! Jodoh tk ke mane pe. Haiyo! Her life pe. Its up to her to do what she wants. Why should matair die be part of it.. True semue mesti nk mintak pendapat matair but at the end of it its ur life pe.. Bingit siak!

I need to get a boyfriend so i would understand what exactly is wrong. Should i put me on the line who would she choose? Sigh~ im tired...

Anger

2010-07-05T23:46:00.001+08:00

Im always angry all the time. Easily angered would b the best to describe. Angry, angry, angry...

Someone once said, "being angry means u are punishing urself for others mistakes".

By wat was said it means its pointless to get angry. If so, does this mean i shuldnt be angry at all? How can one dun feel any anger? When someone makes u mad, ure supposed to not react and forget about it? How is tat possible? I dun understand.

Perhaps i hav yet to matured. This childishness is getting ahead of me. Feels like im being selfish. A selfish bitch ka...

The ability to spot from far...

2010-07-05T09:00:00.001+08:00

How is it i am able to spot from far? No glasses=cant see... So how? I can even spot rena wherever she is. How is tat?

I may nt be able to see e person but i cant how the way they stood all the time?or is it tat im too obserbant? I wonder...

Her

2010-07-01T23:53:00.001+08:00

I've been thinking abt her lately... I wonder why... Dreamt of her the other day. Pinky once told me tat uf u dream of a person u noe means u miss her. I wonder....

I dunnoe wat to do... Its rather odd.. We talk things related to her with no pause watsoever.. Its like to us, we are no longer mad n its more of her as part of our pass... Hmm... Odd indeed...

Whats wrong with me...

2010-06-29T17:37:00.001+08:00

Something is wrong with me... I think ive caught rena virus of not wanting to work... She dun come to work but me, i am at work but i dun wan to do work... Sigh.. Wats wrong with me...

Tick tock tick tock...

Taskete! No more heart to work. No more feelings for work. Haiyo~ i hate this feeling. Im so dead. Aku da jelak barangkali. Jelak with the place.

19 March 2011 - counting down...

Best fren

2010-05-06T12:32:00.001+08:00

I dunnoe how long this friendship can last. Neither do i noe how well it will go. U are my best fren. Shuld u ever go, i will be left all alone here. My life revolve ard many things. I dun have frens, only acquaintace. Hence my only frens are my best fren. Those who have many frens are the most lonely one in the planet. That is true, for i am that person...

double fucked up

2010-04-25T00:20:00.003+08:00

guess wat blogger-san, i fucked up again.... this time round, i have no fucking clue whether or not my paper will be marked. i wrote the wron student ID on my paper. it was suppose to be 3120909, instead, i put 313902. wat the fuck.

i've emailed my p.e and hence waiting for her reply. there's nothing much i can do but just wait. dang it. i fucked up all over the place. i hate myself. i dun even noe how to cheer myself up. there's no looking forward to anything. just a fucking mess that can be clean up but instead to go through it again.

im only left with hope. hoping that something can be done regarding this fucked up mess. onigaisimasu, i need help terribly!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

fucked upp me.

2010-04-23T15:39:00.003+08:00

u noe, i fucked up today... i fucked up big time. 1st, lost in sch as i cant find my exam place. plasma screen says correct room but when i got there, its the wrong place. test was for a special student only. dunnoe wat to do, hence i panic. went to asked the reception, reception had got no clue. along came a coursemate, asking the same qns that i have asked only in a different way. guess wat, my exam was in henderson campus and not delta campus. fucked up. n i dun even noe la tat its possible to have your test at a different campus. fucked up again. n my frens din even tell me la that theres a place where u can check where to take ur exam. more fucked up.

2nd, i decided to share a cab with the gal then, asra was her name i think. thank god it was like 10 minutes away. when we reach, we looked for the place. it's like amazing race. i was so panic that i din noe a thing. i was blindly following her la! fucked up again. so we got to class with me struggling to find my fucking seat. so then we had to bring our student pass. guess wat again, i have a different pass from everyone la!!! i dun have a newcastle pass for god sake. SUPER FUCKED UP now!!!!!!!!!! but luckily, the invigelator doesnt seem to know what to do and hence she ignored the fact that my pass is different.

3rd, i was too panic that i din noe what was my student ID la!! more fucked up. if i have had my newcastle pass, i would have known my student number. damn. eventually i remembered. and hence begin to turn my paper to read it. and there it was. i was stumped! i dunnoe the bloddy answer cuz i din study for it... SI BEI FUCKED UP!!!!!!!!!!!!! ape lagi, hantam bocai la!

All in all, its a fucked up day, n im bloody fucked up. and i cant afford to fail damn it! this is all a mess. i've messed up big time and im fucking scared now. wat the fuck m i gonna do if i fail.......

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARHGGGGGHHHHGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

best fren

2010-04-06T23:55:00.002+08:00

i have a best fren whom i felt has betrayed me. i cant seem to be able to sleep cuz of her. how can she do such a thing? i am utterly disappointed in her. i dun think i can face her anymore. what the fuck was she thinking?? i am angry and disappointed in her. words cant describe my emotions. im beginning to hate her. i really am. she is my best fren. how can she betray me like this? argh!

meeting her tomorrow... to hear her ecxplanations... i can see the results of it already... dun wish to hate her but i juz might................................... taskete~

komala wedding

2010-03-27T23:38:00.002+08:00

the function was great. the food was nice. i bought jeans there. but what wasnt was my hat. see, i bought this lolita hat. thinking of how cute and great it looked like. so i wore it to her wedding. her wedding was in johor btw. so in the car, they keep on making fun of me and my hat!!! how funny i looked like, etc. i felt bad for my hat! a nice hat that i bought with the intention of looking different, got make fun of over and over again. from 1 till 11pm... imagine the agony... *sad*

new contract...

2010-03-23T21:03:00.003+08:00

blog, i got extended alright... i cant describe my feelings. neither happy nor sad. but something is wrong. definately wrong. i dunnoe wat. to death i am scared. i walked very long yesterday. needed to clear my mind, but it din work.

rena wants to defer sch for 3-4 years. i say its crazy but dunnoe if she would. she might eventually i guess. me, quitting sch is not an option. i cant quit. mum will be dissappointed if i do so. im on my own now. no one to rely on, just me... all alone again. perhaps i need an imaginery fren. it would be better tat way, i wouldnt have to wait on them all the time.

recontract... i dunnoe if i will be able to do a good job now. something is pulling me back. perhaps i should quit........................ damn it man! this is happening again! history is repeating itself. damn! im such an idiot. big idiot...

cant back out now. i shuld be prepared for a rough ride. pple like me dun deserve anything. i have to fight all the time. fight for frens, family, happiness and even for my life. fight is all i hav to do to get on with my life. many a times i feel like dying. many a times when i see the train about to pass n i feel like jumping in front of it... many a times when i crossed the road, i felt like stopping in the middle of it.. one too many i guess...

it will never happen. i am that sure for now. neither hell nor heaven huh... not being accepted on earth and then not being accepted in hell nor heaven. i dun wanna die like tat. between us 3, im always the odd one. while both of them think alike, i think the opposite way. m i an obstacle for them to go thru their life? should i leave them n find others? wish i knew...

Dear god, im sure you can read whats on my mind without me telling you. please clear up my thoughts. i dun wanna lost my way again. i noe i dun deserve anything at all. but you are my only hope. i have no one to turn to...

taskete onigaisimasu~

octavia

2010-03-15T22:27:00.002+08:00

i always wondered why and now i know... is it just me or does it seems like whenever i tink i can like sombody, something is always blocking it. i tink it's fate that im bound to be alone for the rest of my life... i am sad. no doubt abt it...

dear god, if u really think i should be alone for the rest of my life, so be it... i'll be sad of course but i cant go against u... i guess rather than focusing on dying alone, lets just try to concentrate on something else. working on my assignment 2... really hope i passed. i need to bring my family to the next level... i want to, they, my parents, deserve it. they worked so hard not to never enjoy life... i must help them...

yup, i guess i'll focus on that... bring my family to the next level... my mind have a gazillion things to say but i juz cant type it in words... guess im still sad... it might take a few days to heal... n with the report due, im afraid it will b longer than expected. never give up hope huh... self motivation doesn seem to be working... :-(

bu nen shuo de mimi

2009-10-31T01:47:00.002+08:00

i wonder why... these few days i seem to be having this weired feeling. something is abt to happen and i dun noe wat.. lets wait ba...

since i've yet get the opp to tell jess abt this, dearest blog, congrats!! you're the 1st im telling. i didnt know that i was suppose to have another sibling. if he/she was here, he/she wound be 7 yrs old now, i guess... let's pressume its a 'he' since we're a boy than girl family. i wish n i wish i din noe abt this, but i did. how i wish mum hasn't told me abt it, but she did. i dont know what to think nor what to feel. i dun even noe how to react. how should i react? im the only one who noes abt this n i dun ever intend to tell any of my siblings. i guess was kinda hurt n dissapointed when i came to noe how he juz vanish. words cant describe how i feel. whenever i remembered it, i will be sad, n yet i cant tell anyone. neither can i consult mum. it will hurt her... i hope he understand why mum did what she had done. i cant understand but i hope he would. perhaps when i ever become a mother one day, i would understand.

sigh

2009-08-30T23:34:00.000+08:00

i think mother is upset with me. i had a fight with my siblings. what the hell. anyway, i was so angry and beyond revival that i need to calm myself down. staring at my open clost to prevent others seeing me cry wasnt helping much. tears wont stop flowing like a river. refuse to let others see me drowning in tears i hid in my closet and began crying my heart out. mum couldn't find me and she got panic i guess... seems like no one is allowed alone time unless they announced that... sigh~

Disappointment

2009-08-19T13:37:00.000+08:00

sigh... i feel so sad to the point of breaking down to pieces. sigh.. im so so so lonely. people dun seem ard when i need them. im always there for them. when it comes to me, im all alone. hell dun seem as lonely as i am. friends let u down, parents try bt still dun seem to like it. im greatful for the things mum have done so far.the hardwork of working day and nite. i need to understand her, how tired she must have felt workng, and yet she has to take time to entertain me. even so, with all this understanding, im still sad and lonely. it seems like in this world, its everyone for themselves. you live alon, u die alone. noone will die with me, i noe that. but i also know, when i die, many pple ard the world will also die at the same time juz that i dunnoe them.

lifes what u make it so lets make it right. i cant. i really cant. im breaking down. shattering into pieces. but that ray of light in my heart.... its still burning, i shall follow it till i really die. in shear lonliness... i really dun wanna die. cuz i'll be even more lonely than i am now... dun let me die, please dun........... i beg of u....

i thought i was gonna die

2008-06-16T18:30:00.003+08:00

I thought i was gonna die. Had an accident on my way to work. Scary. Really scary. When the bike drop, i thought that was it. But no, still i was alive. Den when i saw my left leg stuck under the bike, i thought i was gonna be paralyzed. Sat there for a few seconds, starring at my leg, too shocked to move. When the bike hit the car, there were flashbacks on my mind.

i thought i was gonna die. i thought i was gonna die. i thought i was gonna die.

but i din.

i get to live to see another day.

Luckiest Person on Earth

2008-06-06T21:51:00.002+08:00

A great teacher once told me to live as if it is your last day on earth. Live it to the fullest so that you won't have any regrets when you die. But it is inevitable for humans not to have any regrets. Wouldn't it be great if each and everyone of us know when we will die? Think about it. You would be able to plan your entire remaining days, living life as you wish for it to be. Hence, i feel that people who are down with a life threatening disease are the luckiest people of all. Though you cannot predict how you might die, at least you roughly know when. It might be hurtful for you and the people that care for you but at least they know when your time will be up and would anticipate it. For people that die due to unforseen events, they might have regrets. The people around them might have regrets too. So, the only solution to this is to live as if you're gonna die.

Am i right?

Well, these are just my thoughts and opinions. There's always a reason. We live for a reason and we die for a reason. Let's let it remain as it is.

-aza aza fighting!-

2008-05-03T23:57:00.002+08:00

im feeling better today. had a good msn chat with jess just now. thanks jess for being there. thanks everyone for being there for me. i have such great frens around me. dun worry ya, i'll soon have this sort out and you'll see me back to normal at full blast.

-aza aza fighting!-

mum

2008-04-26T21:31:00.002+08:00

i miss my mother. the lady who i care about the most. the lady whose tears brings me sadness and anger to the one who made her cry. yea, yea... my past blog has been very emo. yanxin try to reason with me. i noe damn it, but i cant help it ok! im gonna be emo today n i dun care. i miss her so bad that half of the time i feel like an orphan.

mum, if only u knew how lonely i am without you at home to nag at us. spending 15mins daily with you is not enough. i have things to say/ask/tell/share. cuz to avoid loneliness i ran away from home living my sis behind all alone. i felt bad cuz of tat. so this week, i ask her to ran away with me. i am nt guilty for running away, like i told mum, u won't even realise if your kids ran away. she din alright. but im not that evil so as not to inform her that we weren't going home. her reply was; "k"... a blooooody K!

i sound like a spoilt brat, i noe... i need some growing up to do alright.. i need time to understand my mum i guess... at least pinky understands me... like yanxin told me, u just got to insert happy moments, pick up the pieces and move on with your life. i should ay?

-aza aza fighting!-

-Sigh-

2008-03-31T18:29:00.002+08:00

This is the life... once you enter the working world, u have no time for anything... so im right to say that working people have no life... im sick of this life. i dun wan to be here animore. its high time i leave. but i cant. i just cant.

This is where i stop typing ydae. trying to blog is really difficult for me cuz i juz dun have the time...

im sad today. but its ok. i cant force others to do wat they dun wan ay. :) its time i grow up and out. this working world sucks but i sux more if u dread it. i might die today aniwae so might as well live life to the fullest. not tat im gonna commit suicide. wat i meant was, u nvr noe when u mite die...

to ma friends out there and to those who might hav stumbled upon my blog, i wish u all the best and thank you. if at any point i might have wronged you, please forgive me for i am only human.

sigh... this is so sad. what am i doing typing all these. Save me!!

Au Revoir

2007-12-18T08:01:00.000+08:00

Ohayo~ to all you beautiful pple. ya, ya... i noe... spider webs everywhere in this blog. it's ok i luv spiders. well anyway, today, ayien shall not blog about her. im writing a special msg today.

ATTENTION RAZAK & KAMARUL! today's post is for you guys. hehe...

Today is the last day you guys are here in s'pore. it's sure gonna be dull without them in the office. but at least Da jie and zu are ard for me to irritate...

To Razak;

i shall nvr forget ur favourite catch phrase (in that special tone) "you're the bez". and your chubby but cute handwriting. oh, and not forgetting your cute bag that u brought with you when u treat us nasi ayam penyet. Wahaha! Thanx for the treat!

Zu said if we were to mit in kuantan, jgn sombong2, tegur ar... luv u many many!!

To Kamarul Idzham;

a.k.a Kammy a.k.a Tong... hehe.. such an irritating guy. make me sick to the stomach. hardworking chap though. as irritating he mite be, i enjoy irritating him back too... an eye for an eye ay.. btw, if we happen to mit u in KL, zu and i will most definately scream KAMMY!! HR department level 13 seems to be the best place to scream Kammy.. wat do u tink?

Zu said take care of ur sexy butt. do maintain ur cee ko pek attitude though. Luv u lots!

All the best to you guys, may we mit again for the next project... hehe...

Keep in touch ya!

-aza aza fighting!-

hey all

2007-11-14T18:01:00.000+08:00

its been a long time ay.. i miss blogging.. even so, im freaking bz ever since i start working. so i dun hav time for anything these days. i miss my jap anime... i miss my korean shows... i miss it all... i dun like the change in my working time. we used to start at 8 but now we start at 9... my workplace is at tuas. if i were to meet ma frens, they've got to wait for me for at least half an hour... sad... im trying alrite... if only i could buy time...

-aza aza fighting!- *hopefully*

TIME WAITS FOR NO ONE

2007-08-28T23:54:00.000+08:00

if only i could leapt through time... i'll change everything thats going on around me. i cant eh, leapt through time... thats sad...

A Wonder

2007-08-18T19:53:00.000+08:00

im sad these few days.. no mood for anything. i've been starring at the computer for hours. bored but dun feel like doing anything. lifeless soul that i am. a wonder.

Korean Drama

2007-07-30T17:14:00.000+08:00

i have been watching this korean drama entitles "Lovers"... very very nice.. must watch. its about a gangster and a plastic surgeon. pretty awesome fighting. cool man. freaking funny too.. i luv the show. Do watch!

in case you dun notice, other than posting abt my life, i post about dramas that i recommend u to watch. Jessica on the other hand, post about the good food she ate most of the times or games that she luv. so, in other words, if u guys need to noe where to eat good food, or play great games or even watch great shows, dun waste ur time searching through the net.. juz visit my blog or jess's... wahaha...

we are juz too free or perhaps bored.. well, jess gonna go to sch soon n im gonna get a job soon, hopefully.. so appreciate us while u still can... LOL!

-aza aza fighting!-

Personality Check

2007-07-29T00:38:00.001+08:00

hi all... miss me? of course u do... hehe.. i had a personality check juz recently. well, its not really a personality check but is has got to do with personality. get it? no? yes? whatever.. so anyway..

have u ever feel that a small talk with someone can lift a whole lot of burden u seem to be carrying? i felt it.. glad even.. even a straightforward girl like me carry a burden ay.. that talk that i had made my dae. it make me think and see in a different point of view. though it is nt much to others, to me it matters most...

"ONE ALWAYS APPEARS TO BE AT THE BOTTOM OF LIFE BUT ONE IS THE MOST IMPORTANT IN LIFE"

that was what i found out during that talk. grateful that i am to hav such an eventful talk with one shall not be mention.. domo arigato gozaimasu...

jia you guem soon..

2007-07-19T22:34:00.000+08:00

i was watching this show on channel u. there was this one part where the guy lied to his parents that his wife was unmarried when actually she was a divorcee with a son. he did tat as he was afraid that his parents might not allow him to marry his wife. when his parents figured out, well, it was right for them to be very angry with the couple.

but then the wife ask her mother-in-law; was the mother angry with the fact that his son lied to her or the fact that her son had married a divorcee with a son. with that question, everyone in the house was mad.

i was wondering why? was that question wrong? i mean, is that question that dispicable? i dun see anything wrong with it.. she was rite to ask such qn so as she would noe where the faults lie.. care to explain anyone? wats wrong marrying a divorcee? hmm... interesting...

Graduation Day

2007-07-07T01:01:00.000+08:00

Today, 3 pm, was her graduation day. At 3.40 she officially graduated. But she wasn't really happy. She wished she could stay in school longer. She wished that person was there. Like always, that person failed to grant her wish.

"Leave the tics on the table and i'll come if i have time," the person said. If i have time... Sigh. But at least there was hope that the person will be there. When the day came, she put in her bestest effort to dress up. She was in school getting ready, all set with her graduation gown.

When she entered the auditorium from the top with the rest of the graduants, it felt awesome. It was as if she has entered a grand ball. All eyes were on the graduants. Those eyes belong to parents and siblings of the graduants who came to watch their child graduate. As she took her seat, she searched and searched, scanning the whole auditorium.

The person was not there. "Maybe she's late," she thought to herself. The ceremony started and the person have yet to come. It was then her turn to walk up the stage and received her Diploma. Feeling nervous and afraid that she might trip and fell, she smile, walk slowly and shook hands with the principal who congratulated her.

She got back to her seat. A text message was received. "Sorry, i can't make it. Got to work. Congrats on your achievements. i luv u," the person said. Her heart shattered but she managed to glue it together again, smiled and carry on with her life.

That wasn't the first time. Only this time the person informed her. She had high hopes that the person will come. It was her very first and perhaps the last time she'll be graduating on stage. She envy other family who stand by each other, always being there to give their support. In her family, everyone has their own lives to think of and the only time they bond was when they played games. The grass is always greener on the other side. She never think it was true but now she's starting to believe it.

Picture chosen...

2007-06-27T12:37:00.000+08:00

Konichiwa!! i have finally decided on the picture.. i have finished. i am ready to send it.. hehe.. oh, did i mention i was entering this picture contest? hmm.. well, im entering the picture contest. i have nothing better to do anyway so why not rite? still deciding on the bestfren contest though.. perhaps, perhaps, perhaps...

The picture choosen... it's called funny & funnier (aka dumb & dumber)
Wahaha.... cool huh...

-aza aza fighting!-

Yay!!

2007-06-26T14:38:00.000+08:00

At last!! hehe... yan xin was rite alrite.. play ard with the blogskin.. so i tested it out ydae since i was bored. so tada!! my 1st attempt.. not bad huh.. i'll do better when i feel like it...
happy, happy, happy...

aza aza fighting!

Bestfren contest

2007-06-21T16:13:00.000+08:00

i was thinking of joining the bestfren contest... im juz too bored... hehe... since most of my frens are special to me, i dunnoe who to choose.. so then i recalled smthg...

there was 1 time during my attachement period... i got my xams results and it sucks big time.. i was sad n pissed at myself... my frens sms me asking abt my results bt i din reply.. then a few minutes later, i received calls from them... i refuse to answer and they refuse to give up till i answered my phone.. then jess was freaking pissed that she text me; "answer the damn phone!!"

hehe... i was touched alrite.. now tat i remembered, i would like so say domo arigato gozaimasu to u guys for caring so much for me on tat dae... =D

aza aza fighting!

Is it true?

2007-06-14T22:45:00.000+08:00

i was sitting waiting for rena. i sat drinking my coke. i was sitting facing the door where people comes in and out.. since i have nothing better to do, i watched those people who come and go.. then, there i saw...

Confidence..

the way people walk show their level of confidence.. some wear clothes that dont seem to suite them (in my opinion)... even so, they hold their heads high; full of confidence.. others might say they are snobby but i tink they posses such confidence that say they are pretty and dun give a shit wat others think...

there are some people that wear clothes that i feel is very nice and suite them.. but they dragged their feet and often slouched... to me, they seem sad, lonely and scared... it seems like they are weary that everyone is watching and judging them...

so i came to this conclusion.. its not whether wat u wear suites u or not.. its about how u show it.. scared to show? dare to show?

Confidence is the key to beauty...

So, is it true??